As for you, I know you are the original survivor, Mr Simon Kitururu!!!
You see, the Americans among other nations read my blogs struggling against a guy called South Africa’s Jacob Zuma and they seem to be saying to me: “MR PHIRI IF YOU WANT POLITICAL ASYLUM AGAINST ZUMA IN THE USA COME OVER”... and I said “GIVE ME A CHANCE TO BEAT THIS GUY UP ON HOME SOIL AFRICA FOR I AIN'T RUNNER.”
You see, the Americans among other nations read my blogs struggling against a guy called South Africa’s Jacob Zuma and they seem to be saying to me: “MR PHIRI IF YOU WANT POLITICAL ASYLUM AGAINST ZUMA IN THE USA COME OVER”... and I said “GIVE ME A CHANCE TO BEAT THIS GUY UP ON HOME SOIL AFRICA FOR I AIN'T RUNNER.”
But let us come back to Xmas 2012 which is a day of GIVING
and so I bought a few alcoholic beverages for those of my neibours renowned for
drinking BUT I AM NOT A RICH GUY AND SO I EXPECTED THEY AT LEAST IN RETURN
WOULD COOK UGALI/CORN-MEAL-PORRIDGE that we eat together on this Christmas, but as the English will say “NOTHING
DOING!”
As a result, my family and I were hungry for the best part
of this Christmas and I decided to take my wife and our two-year-old daughter
to America's Macdonald's in Pretoria and our aim there was to wash our hands
before doing anything (inclusive of even ordering food for a Christmas meal).
(You see, most of us South African men “Black” or “White”
will as of this Year 2012 wash our Willy after the wee and if we so wish
WHEREAS PHIRI IS TRYING TO BE HYGIENIC ENOUGH TO WASH WITH SOAP MY HANDS BEFORE
TOUCHING MY WIFE’S THING).
But this branch of MacDonald's did not have a bathroom for a
family which meant I had to wash my
hands at the Men's while my wife and two-year-old-daughter together with a
neighbour's 8-year-old-daughter had to go to the FEMALE section of the
LAVATORY... fair enough.
By the way, I believe all Africans are the same and equal,
and I even believe ALL HUMAN BEINGS ARE EQUAL. But on this Christmas there springs up a
guy (first I am not xenophobic and are in fact incapable of xenophobia against
other Africans seeing that my father comes from Malawi AND is therefore
non-native South African) AND HE DAMNS MARCHES ME OUT OF THE TOILET, OUT THE
STORE, AND INTO THE STREET FROM USA'S
MACDONALDS. I cried!!!
The Poor guy who marches Phiri out is a mere guard and Phiri’s
only crime was that I bumped into him in
the bathroom while I tried to wash my hands before touching my Willy coz I
think it is common sense and basic hygiene to wash your hands in the bathroom
before you wee, pee-pee or uninate... and so per my suspicions he must (as a
security guy of MacDonalds on Pretoria's Hamilton Street or The Next Street)
have watched me coming into the bathroom and and got a surprise why I want to
wash my hands BEFORE TOUCHING MR WILLY or EVEN GOING TO DO THE NUMBER 2.. And so this guy/security asks me RIGHT IN
THE BATHROOM: "Do you know why you came to MacDonald’s?" (That is
where I got his accent he is from Zimbabwe or some other country northwards
where my father comes from).
I told himl: Brother,
we are standing here together in readiness to wash our hands and all I was
asking of you to ascertain if the soap faucet stands on your side coz I do not
believe hands washed with plain water without soap are clean enough. (When I talked so with him that way I was not
aware he was MacDonalds Security member or anything; had thought he is just
another gentleman in the bathroom).
But no sooner did I
make my intentions clear that I wanted to wash my hands before touching my
wife's toy, THAN HE STARTED TO MARCH ME OUT OF THE BATHROOM, OUT THE
MACDONALD'S SHOP AND INTO THE STREET.
He was armed with a baton but I was armed and still AM ARMED VERY
LEGALLY will a pistol by a licence of the Republic of South Africa and I could
have killed him (the way I was so angry), but I obeyed HIM till he threw me
into the street for a crime that till this moment I do not know.
Then I had the new challenge on 2012-Christmas: “How to call
my wife out of the Macdonald's for in my absence she and the two children could
not eat there because I held all the money’’.
I asked a total stranger in the dark street of Preotoria
close to where Mr Jacob Zuma is ensconced for the next seven years as the THE
PRESIDENT OF THE REPUBLIC OF SOUTH AFRICA VIA THE SUPPORT OF NELSON MANDELA AND
HIS XHOSA TRIBE…. and so I asked this Ndebele
gentleman from the street to try and see my wife for me (I was going to pay him
one USD for the trouble for it).
He got my wife out for me and they rejoined me in the street
where I had been thrown and I prepared to move to another branch of
MacDonald's.
My wife was naturally surprised no end as to what could have
caused the "Zimbabwean" to march me out for no other provocation
except Phiri’s request for soap in ordr to washhands before touching Mr Willy
and so in that street my wife demanded we go back to the same MacDonald's branch
and confront the situation.
I thank her for that because we met a stall manager who was
not only understandable (a lady), but someone who also explained to us why the
security were maybe on their toes a bit too much around the area.
I DO NOT KNOW WHY I AM WRITING THIS STORY TO YOU, MR SIMON
KITUTURU, BUT MAYBE TO REITERATE THAT I AM SICK AND TIRED OF MY MOTHERLAND
AFRICA; I SHOULD LIKE TO TAKE ONE OR TEN YEARS AWAY FROM THE CONTINENT WITH MY
FAMILY AND GO AND LIVE WITH THE CHINESE, ARABS, EUROPEANS OR WHATEVER OTHER
NATION FOR A CHANGE BEFORE I COME BACK COZ MY CRIME THIS CHRISTMASTDAY WITH THE
QUERY-ZIMBABWEAN SECURITY GUY WAS THE FACT THAT I HAD SHOWED UP IN A BRANCH OF
MACDONALDS'S SERVING MOSTLY NATIVE SOUTH AFRICANS WHO ARE EXPECTED NOT NOT TO
WASH HANDS (WHICH I DID) BEFORE URINATING AND HAD I GONE BUY FROM A BRANCH MUCH
MORE TO THE EAST AND SERVING NATIVE EUROPEANS I DEFINTELY WOULD HAVE RECEIVED BETTER
TREATMENT.
I must tell you one last thing: I CRIED ONCE MORE TIME TODAY!
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